Imprisoned Mind
by Jellie789
Summary: A little one-shot post "Imprisoned Lives," after Cragen sends Olivia home when she loses it in the interrogation room
1. Chapter 1

Olivia Benson was well aware Amanda Rollins was pacing back and forth along the corridor in front of her apartment door. She had been doing it for nearly ten minutes, and it was beginning to border on the ridiculous. At first it had amused her slightly, but quickly Olivia had become irked. Amanda had never been one to shy away from her, and if she had not left the squad room for home so quickly after Captain Cragen had chewed her out, she would have expected Amanda to immediately confront her regarding her shoddy treatment of poor "Ma," whose real identity remained a mystery. Amanda's hesitance to challenge her was getting her back up. Despite the reassurances she would not be treated differently upon returning to work, the reality of the situation had been somewhat different. And frankly, she had been a fool to have anticipated otherwise. So far, Olivia had bitten her tongue, acknowledged that her colleagues were merely attempting to be supportive.

But she felt babied, and being treated with kid gloves wasn't supportive. It was patronising. Although they were both detectives and technically there was no superiority in rank, Olivia had been doing this job since Amanda Rollins' school days, and something about the idea of her more inexperienced team mate discussing her with her Captain or Fin filled her with rage. Because she knew Cragen or Fin would have warned Amanda against coming after her, and maybe that was what held Amanda back from knocking on her door. Then again, Amanda had never had much trouble undermining direction from authority. So, the only answer could be that Amanda now saw her differently. She was second guessing the encounter for no other reason that she now viewed Olivia as something she hadn't once been; viewed her as weaker, as less than she had been before.

A surge of anger caused Olivia to swing open her apartment door.

"Are you gonna pace out there 'til you wear the floor out?" she spat, and took delicious pleasure in catching Amanda off guard, in the pinkening of her porcelain cheeks which indicated embarrassment.

"Uh…" Amanda swiped her hand over her face in an unconscious gesture of discomfort, and coughed roughly to clear her throat, "I wasn't sure if you'd be resting," she tipped her chin up, recovered now, "I was thinking of coming back later."

"Why would I be resting in the middle of the day?" Olivia challenged.

_"__When was the last time you slept?" _Cragen's words echoed through her mind.

"I figured you might need it," Amanda answered boldly, having ceased her indecisive shuffling back and forth to stand before her now, an air of confidence and sureness-of-self in her stance that angered Olivia further.

Olivia laughed, but there was no trace of mirth, "What, so not only does Cragen treat me like a child and send me home for a time out, you think I am some sort of cranky toddler who needs an afternoon nap?"

"No," Amanda shook her head, irritatingly not rising to Olivia's goading, "I came to check that you're ok."

The compassion in Amanda's tone would have been enough to break her, had Olivia not been so consumed with a rage that hammered through her veins, in sync with the rhythm of her heart. She gave another hollow laugh. How could she possibly explain that she would much rather Amanda had come here for a fight?

"Leave me alone, Rollins," Olivia made to close the door of her apartment, which spurred the other woman into action and Amanda sprung forwards. Olivia didn't need help, or pity. She could get over this by herself; she could manage by herself.

"No! Liv, wait!" instinctively, Amanda shoved her booted foot forwards, preventing the closing of the door.

Olivia raised her eyebrows in response, and Amanda looked down at her foot, and as if realising the limb did not have a mind of its own, she slowly withdrew her leg and stood once more at full height.

"Sorry," she said, contrite, and although Amanda's foot no longer prevented her from doing so, Olivia did not slam the door shut. "Look," Amanda continued, and she put a hand to her face and rubbed her fingers across it again, repeating her unconscious but signature move to express discomfort which Olivia usually found strangely endearing, not that she would ever tell Amanda that. "I know you're angry…at me…at…" she trailed off but stared into her eyes with an intensity that made Olivia want to look away. But she didn't. "Look, I know you're angry, ok?" Amanda repeated, then she nodded, gesturing over Olivia's shoulder, "Can I come in?"

Olivia shrugged indifferently, but pushed the door open anyway. Her apartment was not nearly as tidy as she would normally like it to be, but cleaning, tidying and restoring it to its former, pre-William Lewis condition was actually a far more mentally taxing task than she had considered it would be. Brian had been next to useless. He had eagerly and anxiously danced around her in an attempt to help, but in the end, she had sent him away stating she would rather do it by herself. She wasn't sure who out of the two of them had been more relieved. She had been keen to blitz the place in one go, but every up turned chair, smashed lamp or cigarette butt had triggered panic attacks and flash backs that rendered her needing to take regular breaks from it. She was looking forward (with as much excitement as she could muster for anything at the moment) to the weekend, when she was going to view new apartments with Brian.

Similarly, she couldn't she muster up much embarrassment regarding Amanda seeing her home this way. And anyway, what did it even matter? Amanda had been here to discover it as a crime scene. She had seen it far worse than this. Amanda had seen it decorated with Olivia's own blood up the walls. Olivia watched as Amanda's eyes swept round the apartment, but to her credit, she didn't react to it or pass comment.

"Say whatever it is you've come to say," Olivia requested, almost bored in tone. She knew she was being a bitch, but she couldn't help herself. It was too hard to see her colleague stand before her, her only female counterpart, for whom nothing had changed when her own life had imploded; so competent when she did not recognise herself anymore. Olivia, a seasoned Special Victims Unit detective had laid into a vulnerable woman who had been abused, day in day out, for God only knew how long. She was actually grateful for the wave of shame that washed over her then. Maybe there was something of her left, after all.

"I'm sorry," Amanda stated simply.

Olivia's brows furrowed, perplexed, "You're sorry?"

"Yeah," Amanda nodded simply, "I came here to see if you were ok, and apologise to you."

"What've you got to apologise for?" Olivia was genuinely confused. And tired, in the wake of her dissipating anger. Maybe Amanda was right, she did need an afternoon nap. She took a few steps toward her couch and sat down.

"Cragen wasn't gonna let you go into that interrogation room," Amanda explained, "I encouraged him to let me and you have a go at getting through to Ma…I should've known you wouldn't be ready for that. So, I'm sorry."

_"__I made a mistake, you're too raw…it was too soon for you to come back to SVU…" _Olivia closed her eyes, haunted by yet more of Cragen's words. Maybe this was it now, this was her life. Maybe she had no resilience left, and every slight or reprimand would stay inside her head. Maybe it would all replay on an endless loop forever, and she would never escape it, imprisoned in her own mind until she couldn't take it anymore and she put an end to it all. Maybe she would never be her strong self again.

"Amanda," it was Olivia's turn to swipe a hand over her face, "It's not your fault, ok? You're not responsible for me."

"Of course I am," Amanda advanced towards her and sat down beside her, seemingly deciding Olivia had calmed enough to approach, "We're on the same team, we're all responsible for each other."

Despite herself, Olivia gave a small smile at Amanda's sweet sentiment.

"So?" Amanda prodded.

"So what?"

"So…I came here to check you're ok, and apologise. I've apologised, so…are you ok?"

Olivia sighed, "You know full well I'd be lying if I said yes," she deflected, admitting she was far from ok without having to say it. She'd interrogated hundreds of perps, interviewed hundreds of witnesses, sat through hundreds of court cases. She knew how to be clever with words.

"Do you wanna talk about anything?" Amanda offered tentatively.

"Not really," Olivia shook her head. In some ways, she was all talked out. For a little while it had felt like all she had done since her four day saga with Lewis had ended was talk about it. She had talked to give her statement, she had talked to the nurses and doctors at the hospital, she had talked to Doctor Lindstrom...she had starting preparing for court with Rafael. She _hadn't_ however talked to Brian Cassidy. Or anyone from work. Mostly, they were in the dark, particularly Cassidy, as at least the others had seen her statement. But none of them had been brave enough to broach her about it, to offer a listening ear. She had heard a lot of, _"if you wanna talk about anything, you know where I am," _but Amanda was the first person brave (or stupid) enough to ask her outright. Superficially, she wondered why, but deep down she knew.

Hearing the gory details of a stranger's assault was difficult enough. To listen to someone you know and care for describe such horrors was damn near impossible. But here Amanda was, offering to endure it for her when really Olivia had been nothing but a bitch to her, even before she had being abducted to blame for her horrible behaviour.

She sighed when Amanda left the silence to hang between them.

"Look, it's ok that you're struggling," Amanda finally said, and the weight of the air lifted, "No one expected you to come back and…"

"And what?" Olivia prompted, sensing Amanda was struggling to find the right words without inadvertently causing offence.

"No one expected you to come back," she said, simply.

Amanda had spoken quietly, though the words hit Olivia as if they had been screamed at her, and she could have sworn she could feel her eardrums vibrating. For a moment, nothing was real. She was weightless, floating away on a receding tide, numb with it all. The distance between herself and Amanda stretched further and further, then suddenly it was as if she were at the bottom of a well with Amanda looking down on her from a great height, unreachable, and the force of the fall hit her in her gut. She rocked forwards, her hands at her temples, "Oh God," the anxiety was all consuming then, "Oh God," she repeated, and she closed her eyes.

_No one expected you to come back._

But of course she was always going to come back to SVU. Was she not supposed to? What was she, if not an SVU detective? It was all she had ever been, what she had built her life around and what had defined her for so long. Lewis had robbed her of so much: her trust in her own ability to protect herself, the sense of being secure in her own home, of her own bodily autonomy…surely, Lewis hadn't taken her very soul from her, too?

"Oh God," she repeated, then she was immediately about to fight, a physical restriction suddenly presenting itself around her upper body. But, a second before she did, she realised Amanda had thrown her arms around her rocking form, and pulled her close. It was an instinctive rather than a conscious awareness that it was Amanda holding her, not Lewis, because she smelt fresh and feminine, not stale and sweaty, and though her now half opened eyes, strands of soft, platinum blonde hair were dampened with her tears.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Amanda kept mummering into the top of her head, "I'm so sorry, Liv."

After a while, when the worst of it had passed, embarrassment started to leech it's way though Olivia's veins. Simultaneously, she wanted to pull away from Amanda, and stay where she was so she didn't have to look her younger colleague in the eye. Years ago, Elliot had quoted Tom Hanks at her and told her there was no crying in baseball and since then she had spent years pushing down her emotions (failing, often), and despite rationally knowing it was ok to cry, to fall apart after everything she had been though, somehow she couldn't justify it.

"Sorry," she apologised, and she pulled herself away from Amanda. She shivered slightly at the loss of the other woman's body heat. She leaned forward to pull a Kleenex from the box on the coffee table before her, and she hastily dabbed at her face with it.

"I shouldn't have told you that," Amanda said, her tone apologetic, "I don't want you think we'd been talking about you behind you back, saying we thought you _shouldn't _come back…we weren't, I mean, we talked about you, obviously, but-"

"Amanda, stop," Olivia looked at a flustered Amanda, "It's ok. I guess if I'd have been you guys I'd have been surprised I came back, it's just I had never thought of not coming back. It never even crossed my mind as a possibility," she leaned back against the couch and observed Amanda's worried features, "I've spent all these weeks in therapy, talking about Lewis, and my goal was _always _getting back to work. I never thought about how I would feel once I got there," she admitted for the first time. Olivia realised now she had been an idiot to presume that once she reached the point she was ready to return to work all her troubles would be over. It was daunting, now, to realise that just because she had achieved her goal did not yet mean she had reached the end of the road for recovery. "I just presumed that once I got back to work, I'd be ok."

Amanda nodded in understanding, "How often are the panic attacks happening?" she asked candidly.

Olivia felt her cheeks burn red with shame. It was one thing to maybe acknowledge to herself that Amanda had hugged her while she cried, but quite another to acknowledge to herself that Amanda had held her though an anxiety attack. There was no point in lying. Amanda could see though her.

"They're worse at home…or when I'm falling asleep," Olivia shrugged a shoulder in a nonchalant gesture that fooled neither of them.

"Understandable…No option to stay at Cassidy's?" Amanda's tone conveyed an awareness she was likely pushing some boundaries.

Olivia shook her head, a little sad that Amanda obviously expected her to be upset at the prying. Despite all their past differences she trusted Amanda, and she knew Amanda wasn't here to be nosey. She was genuinely concerned. It was nice to have someone who cared, and unexpectedly Olivia was suddenly grateful for Amanda's unannounced visit, and furthermore, was grateful for Amanda's contrary nature, disregarding any advice she may have been given from Fin or Cragen to leave her alone. She didn't want to be alone. And she didn't want to be with Cassidy, either. Though she couldn't really place her finger on why. Somewhere deep inside, Olivia could admit to herself that there was no way she would allow Brian to hold her while she was as vulnerable as she had just been in Amanda's arms.

"We're viewing apartments this weekend."

Amanda raised her eyebrows in a way that expressed neither a positive nor negative response to the information, "I guess it'll do you good not to have to come back here anymore," Amanda gestured to the apartment they were sat in, and it did not go unnoticed to Olivia that the other woman hadn't seemed overtly pleased to hear this news, confirming her suspicion that Amanda did not have too high opinion of her boyfriend.

"It will," Olivia agreed, though how quickly she would actually be able to vacate her apartment, she couldn't say. The references and checks all took time, and say they didn't find anything suitable straight away…what if it was weeks before they both had another weekend off together to look? Panic seized her again, and Olivia tried to squash it. She was too exhausted for a second anxiety attack in such quick succession, and too humiliated to show Amanda how broken she really was. She reached forwards for another tissue in attempt to gather herself, her hand shaking, and before she could reach the blue box Amanda's hand intercepted hers.

"Just breathe, Liv," Amanda whispered, and she inched up closer to her on the couch so their sides touched, from shoulder to knee. Amanda pulled Olivia's trembling hand into her lap and rubbed her thumb over Olivia's white knuckles. Olivia felt Amanda's other hand stroke softly up and down her back, "Just breathe, Liv," she repeated, "And it'll pass."

Olivia closed her eyes when her vision began to swim, she could feel Lewis here, in her apartment, invading her space once more.

"No, Liv, open your eyes," Amanda gently instructed, "Stay with me, ok?" she squeezed her hand, "Focus on the now, Liv. It's just you and me," Amanda comforted, and slowly the anxiety receded to the edges of her once more, where it seemed it hovered permanently these days.

Olivia let out a breath she didn't realise she was holding, "I'm so tired, Amanda" she admitted defeatedly. Tears leaked from her eyes, and this time she didn't bother to reach for a tissue. She just let them fall.

_When was the last time you slept? _Cragen's words, the ones she couldn't stop replaying, caused a sob to rise up her throat this time, and when the whimper left her lips, Amanda sighed sympathetically.

"Why don't you come back to my place?" Amanda offered, "You can get some proper rest…or at least better rest than you're getting here."

"No," Olivia refused immediately, "That's too much to offer," she said, when what she really wanted to do was jump at the chance of trying to get some sleep anywhere but her own goddamn apartment, her place of safety that had betrayed her, that felt like a foreign land these last weeks. But she couldn't stay with Amanda indefinitely. And surely having to come back here after, for however long that might be, would only be all the harder after some respite.

"No, it isn't," Amanda countered, and she shook her head. "You telling me you wouldn't offer me the same if I was in your situation?"

Amanda smiled, triumphant, when Olivia didn't answer her. Of course she would do the same for Amanda.

"C'mon," Amanda tapped Olivia on the knee as she stood up, "Get some clothes packed," she looked at her watch, "I'll take you back to my place, then I'd better go back to the precinct for a while, I've been way too long," Amanda worried her bottom lip with her teeth, and guilt sliced though Olivia. Amanda had already earned herself the disappointed dad routine from Cragen simply by coming after Olivia anyway, never mind the trouble on top from going MIA for this length of time.

Olivia stood up and headed to her bedroom to pack an over night bag. While she couldn't stay at Amanda's forever and coming back home again would be hard, a break for a day or two would hardly harm her. And maybe it'd be easier to face the rest of the clean up operation on the back of a few nights of decent sleep.

"Amanda," Olivia glanced back to the blonde woman, pacing inside her apartment now, furiously texting on her cell phone – likely apologising to the Captain for going AWOL. Amanda paused and looked up to her, "Thanks," she smiled gratefully, and Amanda gave her a nod, and a small smile of understanding in response. Maybe, Olivia thought, that whilst there was still no crying to be had in baseball, sharing what she had been holding inside with her colleagues, no, her _friends,_ might free her mind enough to get back to the Detective Olivia Benson she knew she still was inside, and who she knew she could be again.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: So, this was originally a one-shot, but I decided to add a second part. I know this is set in season 15, and some of the stuff alluded to re Amanda in this chapter doesn't come to light until season 16… so I hope it works despite that.

Amanda had received the sharp end of Cragen's tongue and a few disapproving eye raises from Fin upon returning (so very late) to the precinct, but it had been worth it. Olivia Benson was now in her apartment – sleeping in her bed, no less. Amanda had been inexplicably anxious since the William Lewis saga had drawn to a close; the need to reach out to Olivia had been increasing in urgency until she just couldn't supress it any longer, and she had found herself at the door of Olivia's apartment this afternoon. She had told Olivia she had come over out of concern for her well-being, but Amanda could admit to herself that there had been a selfish motive too, although she couldn't really define what that was right now.

Her intervention could have gone either way, really. But the fact Olivia was (eventually) receptive to her support had by extension calmed her own jittery nerves. So why she was so antsy now, she couldn't say. She had raced home to find Olivia had showered, changed and ordered her take-out as a thank you for her hospitality. They had then gone on to share something of a bizarre evening together. On the surface, they could have been considered two friends sharing food and hanging out. But Olivia wasn't her friend. Amanda tossed and turned uncomfortably on her couch (which she had always considered to be a comfortable piece of furniture, an opinion which was rapidly changing now she was trying to sleep on it).

Amanda had been a little knocked off her feet with Detective Benson when had first arrived in New York. Olivia gave off a sense of security and safety which she looking back, she had been craving unconsciously for longer than she cared to admit. She had probably tried too hard and embarrassed herself a time or two. Olivia had been prickly with her, and as a result, the two women had never quite found even ground; there had always been an awkward air between them that Amanda wondered if Olivia sensed too, or if it was just her. She felt a little sick, like she might have lured Olivia here under false pretences somehow, prayed on the other woman's current vulnerability to pursue something she had wanted. Maybe that was why she didn't deserve a friend like Olivia. Maybe a work colleague was all she would ever be.

Being a detective, Amanda had the hearing of a bat, and she could tell Olivia was restless, even a room away. She couldn't quite determine if the other woman was also awake, or thrashing about in her sleep. Amanda had considered going in to her bedroom and checking on Olivia, but despite it being her own apartment she felt like she would be intruding, invading the older woman's privacy and personal space. Her attention was caught by the light from Olivia's cell phone from her coffee table. She watched it move ninety degrees as it vibrated against the wood, flashing Brian Cassidy's name on the screen. After a few moments it fell silent and still before flashing up one last time, announcing _1 new voicemail message._

It was the third time Brian had called. Amanda had presumed Olivia would have told him of her whereabouts, but his repeated calls at gone eleven PM suggested otherwise. If he called again, she should probably answer. He was likely going out of his mind. Amanda rolled onto her side and wrapped her arm around the softly snoring dog beside her. Frannie's presence certainly wasn't helping her achieve sleep, but she was too soft where her pet was concerned, and she couldn't quite bring herself to shoo the animal away. She pressed her face into her dog's fur and closed her eyes. She snapped them open a second later on the back of a noise from her bedroom. She couldn't tell if it had been a whimper or a sob, if had been consciously suppressed or unconsciously elicited in sleep. Her anxiety climbed, and for the second time today she found herself paralysed with the indecision of whether or not to approach Olivia Benson. When she heard the noise a second time, the decision was made for her. She swung her legs round to sit upright on the sofa, snuffles of discontent rose from Frannie, who shuffled round and immediately took the warm spot on the couch Amanda had just vacated.

As if creeping around in pursuit of a perp and not simply crossing her own living room, Amanda made her way to the bedroom Olivia had vehemently protested taking for the night. They had argued over who would take the couch for a good ten minutes before Amanda had stated there had been no point inviting Olivia here to get some proper rest merely to spent the night cramped up on her couch, and much to her surprise, Olivia had relented.

Amanda pushed her bedroom door open, and winced as it creaked loudly on the hinges. She observed Olivia, lying still in the middle of her bed. At first glance, she appeared to be sleeping peacefully, but on closer inspection there was a pinched expression on her face. Her lips were parted slightly, and she was mouthing words silently.

"Liv," Amanda whispered, tentatively.

Nothing.

Amanda chewed the inside of her cheek. She might be making things worse, creeping round in the dark and hovering in the shadows probably wasn't the best thing to do to someone suffering acutely with PTSD. She was about to turn around and retreat back to the couch when Olivia let out a sob, which startled Amanda herself.

Amanda approached her bed and sat on the very edge. She reached out and nudged Olivia's leg.

"Liv," she repeated, a little louder this time, but her voice was still barely more than a whisper.

However, Olivia responded as if Amanda had shouted directly down her ear and almost threw herself out of the bed as she woke up.

"Jesus Christ, Amanda!" Olivia panted, "What the hell," she brought her hand up to her chest as if she was trying to stop her hammering heart from jumping out.

"Sorry," Amanda raised both her hands in a gesture of retreat, "I think you were dreaming…or something…" she stammered, "I came to see if you were ok. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," she apologised.

"It's ok," Olivia swallowed as she caught her breath, and finally dropped her hand down from her chest, "Did I wake you?" Olivia asked, and she suddenly looked so very vulnerable, and her tone was apprehensive, as if worried at what Amanda might have overheard.

"No," Amanda shook her head, "I've not been to sleep yet," Amanda answered, and she watched Olivia's eyes move to look at the clock on her bedside table.

"Why're you still awake?" Olivia asked, seeming to calm down a little from the shock of being woken – from whatever she had been experiencing – so suddenly.

Amanda shrugged a shoulder, "Frannie's taking up most of the couch." Only a half lie. She broke eye contact with Olivia to trace her finger round the pattern on her bed covers, "Brian has been calling you," she said, and she looked back up to judge Olivia's reaction to this information. "Does he know where you are?" she questioned, when Olivia didn't say anything in return.

Olivia skirted Amanda's gaze, "He'd only turn up here," she shrugged a shoulder nervously.

"Liv," Amanda said in admonishment, "I admit I'm not Cassidy's biggest fan but you can't do this to him. Do you not think he'll be worried sick after everything that's happened?" she felt a stab of guilt at reprimanding Olivia, when the older woman drew her knees up to her chest and buried her face against them, as if even the slight disapproval in Amanda's voice was too much to bear. "I wouldn't let him in, Liv," Amanda promised, "You wouldn't have to see him even if he did show up, if that's what you'd want…anyway, I don't even think he knows where I live," Amanda reasoned, "Why don't you want to see him?" she asked, then immediately back tracked when Olivia made a moaning sound into her knees, "You don't have to answer that, Liv, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I pushed."

Unsure as to whether or not it was a good idea, Amanda inched forwards to sit by Olivia, her hand hovering in the air between them as she considered doing something to physically comfort Olivia, but she couldn't decide what, so she dropped it to her lap. She had held Olivia earlier in the throes of a panic attack, but Amanda wasn't sure what to do faced with silence.

"Why are you hiding from me, Liv?" she asked, when Olivia gave her no response. Amanda let out a deep breath of nervous energy, "I'm sorry, I'll go away," she made to move off the bed, but froze when Olivia's voice rose up, broken, from beneath her bowed head.

"No, don't," she croaked.

Amanda leaned back, "I don't want to crowd you. I honestly just wanted you here to help you get a little more rest than you were managing at home. And I'm grateful you bought me dinner, Liv, but I promise I have no expectations. There is no pressure for you to talk or give me anything back. I'm sorry I've been asking questions. I don't want to force you to tell me anything you don't want to."

"I know," Olivia looked at her now, her eyes so deep and dark in the shadowy bedroom that they took Amanda's breath away. She had seen haunted people before, but never someone she was so closely connected to, "That's why I agreed to come here," Olivia continued, I know I'm safe with you," Olivia looked down to her bent knees, as if ashamed.

"You don't need to be embarrassed, Liv," Amanda reassured her, "Not around me." She wanted to ask why Olivia felt safe here, or more to the point, why she _didn't _feel safe with Brian, but Amanda held her tongue. She had just promised Olivia she wouldn't push. "You can stay here as long as you like," Amanda offered, and Olivia smiled at her in thanks.

The silence between them stretched out for long minutes, during which time Olivia slowly unfolded, and eventually she was lying down again, her eyes heavy, staying shut a few seconds longer with each blink.

"I'll go and let you sleep," Amanda said softly, conscious of startling her colleague again when it looked like Olivia was about to drift off, "Or I can stay until you're asleep again," Amanda offered, "It's up to you."

Olivia regarded her for a few seconds.

"Stay," she said, her voice breaking with fatigue, "But not just 'til I'm asleep. I want you to stay there," Olivia said, and she nodded in the direction of the pillow beside her, on which Amanda was already leaning. "I mean…if you don't mind," Olivia blushed, as if she had caught herself being bossy, as if she had remembered she was in Amanda's home.

"Ok," Amanda nodded, "I don't mind, if you're sure that's what you want," and Amanda got up for a second to pull back the covers, and she slipped under them, turning over on her side so that they faced each other. She stared into Olivia's eyes for a few seconds before looking away. It was a strangely intimate moment, and Amanda didn't really know what to make of it. She was aware Olivia's walls were down, she was defenceless, and Amanda was second guessing everything she did or said to ensure she wasn't overstepping any boundaries she shouldn't have been.

"Thank you," Olivia mouthed, almost silently.

"You have nothing to thank me for," Amanda said, truthfully. She still wasn't sure she hadn't invited Olivia over for her own wants. She thought back a few years, to a time where she was similarly frightened and vulnerable. Similarly violated. Mostly, she remembered being alone. She was concerned she had brought Olivia over to give what she herself had once craved, and she was confused as to whether it was a selfish or selfless act; whether it was a misplaced action to fulfil a need within herself that had gone unfulfilled for so long.

Unexpectedly, Olivia reached out and took hold of Amanda's hand where it rested by her side. "Why are you upset?" she queried.

"I am not upset," she lied, and but her voice betrayed her and broke a little when she spoke.

"Well, you look upset," Olivia told her, and like Amanda had done to her earlier, Olivia stroked her thumb over Amanda's knuckles, returning the small act of comfort.

Amanda _was_ upset, but how could she admit that to Olivia? The root of the problem hit her now. How could she possibly explain to Olivia, who had only just experienced such an acute trauma, who had barely even scratched the surface of recovery, that she was struggling to cope as a bystander? How could she explain that it had triggered her own memories and feelings from the past and torn through the thin veil of scar tissue hiding her old wounds, none of which really could not be compared to the horror Olivia had survived anyway? Amanda swallowed the words. No, she couldn't allow herself to be that selfish.

"Tell me," Olivia said, "Or don't," she added quickly, "You said you wouldn't push…so I won't either," Olivia squeezed her hand.

Amanda smiled sadly and closed her eyes, a hot tear spilling out of the corner of her eye. She felt Olivia's hand let go of hers to reach up to the side of her face and stroke her cheek. She leaned into the touch.

"Come here, Amanda," Olivia whispered, when tears of her own started to fall. Amanda felt herself being pulled close to Olivia, and she shuffled forwards. A second later, there was no space between them. Amanda was unsure as to who was holding who, only that the comfort was such a relief she never wanted to let go. "I'm sorry, Amanda, if you're hurting because of me," Olivia murmured, so close that her breath blew strands of Amanda's hair as she spoke, "I know I'm being selfish at the moment, that it's hard for everyone else too…for you guys at work…for Brian," she acknowledged. "I know I am taking it out on people I shouldn't," Amanda thought back to Ma in the interrogation room earlier, "And I can't do anything to help anyone because it's taking everything I have not to fall to pieces," her final sentence was jarred with emotion.

"Shh," Amanda soothed as Olivia dissolved into tears, and she scooted up on the pillow so she could pull Olivia in to rest against her shoulder, "Shh, Liv, it's ok. You have _nothing _to apologise for," she stated emphatically, and she combed her fingers through Olivia's soft hair. "I'm the one who should be saying sorry. I've made it all about me, and I had no right to," she pressed a kiss to the top of Olivia's head, "I'm sorry," she repeated, "Shh…" she stroked her hand through Olivia's hair some more, hoping it was helping but not sure if anything really made a difference for the broken woman sobbing in her arms right now.

After a while, Olivia fell silent and Amanda thought she might have dropped off to sleep against her, but suddenly Olivia rolled away and got out of bed.

"Where you going?" Amanda asked, seized with panic, worried that Olivia had suddenly realised that Amanda had crossed the line and was making moves to leave.

"I'm going to text Brian," Olivia responded, "You were right, he'll be worried sick and he doesn't deserve that."

Amanda sat up, raked her fingers through her hair and took a deep breath in attempt to centre herself. It had been an intense hour or so, and she couldn't figure out if she felt better or worse for it. She shook her head slightly, tried to shake off intrusive thoughts that were creeping into her head. Now wasn't the time.

A few seconds later, Olivia was back in bed beside her. Amanda lay down on her side again to face the older woman.

"Done?" Amanda asked.

"Yep," Olivia nodded as she settled back down against the pillow, "I don't think he'll be too happy with me, but at least he knows I'm not missing or dead."

"Not too happy because you're with me?" Amanda was confused.

"Not you specifically," Olivia shook her head, "I think he expects me to lean on him more, so he will be pissed that when I actually have leaned on someone, it hasn't been him."

Amanda wanted to ask why Olivia didn't want to lean on her boyfriend in her time of need, but then she remembered their truce on not pushing each other for information. But to her surprise, Olivia continued anyway.

"He just doesn't get it," Olivia shook her head as she stared at the ceiling, "And he thinks he can handle it, but I know he can't," she stated matter-of-factly. "I just don't see the point in letting myself fall apart on him, when I'll just have to pull myself back together to comfort him."

"I understand," Amanda nodded, thinking back to all the times she wished she could have called on her sister or her mother for support, but didn't for the very same reasons Olivia just voiced. "So, you think I get it?" Amanda asked, "You think I can handle it?" she was curious as to why Olivia thought so highly of her.

Olivia turned her head to face Amanda and stared into her blue eyes for what felt like forever.

"I _know _you get it," she said, eventually, "I _know _you can handle it," Olivia said with certainty.

"How do you know?" Amanda was barely breathing, unsure what she was hoping to achieve asking such questions, but unable to stop herself. She could almost hear Olivia thinking; she couldn't tell if Olivia was either searching for the right words, or she had found them but wasn't sure whether or not she dared say them. "Say something, Olivia," Amanda pleaded, when the silence and the darkness weighed down too heavily on top of her, crushing her chest, suffocating her.

"I know because…" Olivia trailed off, "Because I think something bad happened to you once, too."

Amanda immediately regretted chasing the words out of Olivia, and it took her vision beginning to swim in front of her to force her to start to breathe again. Olivia took hold of her hand once more.

"Are you ok?" she asked tentatively.

"I'm fine, Liv," Amanda lied, and she squeezed Olivia's hand in return, "It was a long time ago."

Olivia nodded and smiled sadly at the accuracy of her prediction.

"A long time ago or not…I'm here for you…whenever," Olivia said, and she reached up to stoke Amanda's cheek once more, "I can't thank you enough for tonight," and she held her hand up to halt Amanda before she could tell her there was no need for thanks, "So if you ever need someone…ever…I'm here. I mean it," Olivia said, emphatically.

"I know," Amanda met Olivia's eyes, "I know I'm safe with you, too," she said.

"You are," Olivia agreed, "We're safe with each other," and she reached over to lace her fingers through Amanda's again. The silence that settled over the two women now was comfortable; it could no longer be described as suffocating, or dark. Eventually, after a short while, they fell asleep together, hands joined. Safe.


End file.
